Repenting My Lack of Repentance

Do you know what I need? Besides a tissue and a big bowl of chicken soup?

I need a siddur. I know, I know what you're thinking. "Okee, it's not time for mincha yet, so why do you need a siddur? Do you want to say tehillim for something? Don't you carry a mini-tehillim with you wherever you go?"

To your first question, I reply, "I don't need a siddur for mincha -I do have a mincha maariv in my wallet, not that I usually use it..." To you second, I say, "Tehillim -that's 'extra'. Whenever I get the urge to say tehillim, it's usually satisfied by a muttering of one of the Shir Hamaaloses under my breath." And to the third, I snort. And say "Ha! I wish I were so holy. (I really do.)

Now you're probably thinking, "Okay, Okee, we get it. You horrible girl you. Now stop with the self-effacing sarcasm and get on with it. Why do you need a siddur?"

I need a siddur, dearie, because although I did daven this morning (yay! 3 points for Okee), I didn't leave myself enough time to say avinu malkeinu and get coffee. So...I got coffee. So...I need a siddur.

Oish Bagoish, it's the aseres yemay teshuva!! I neeeeed to say avinu malkeinu!! I neeeeed a siddur!!!

Funny how I didn't feel the same need to daven the whole shacharis this morning.
Funny how I didn't feel the need to have kavana during shacharis this morning.
Funny how it's two days after Rosh Hashanah and I didn't do any teshuva yet.
Funny how I spent the fast day fasting, but not fasting with any meaning.
Funny how I am more afraid this new year than any before, and yet I am less prepared for this new year than any before.
Funny, oh so funny.

Oh, not so funny...

Getagripgetagripgetagripgetagripgetagripgetagrip. Get a coffee.


...

Okay, I feel better now. The fear is still there, but there's no point in panicking -fear of the awesomeness of judgement without action towards the rectification of that fear of being found wanting is beyond pointless. It is pathetic. So...action.

Action. Action. Ya think if I say it enough times it'll sink into my leaden head and I'll behave in kind?
Maybe not. Maybe I should, right here, right now, decide to take something upon myself. When was the last time I did that, and did that? Sad...I don't remember. The time is now, they say, and I say it too. Let me think of something tangible and purposeful and beautiful and helpful to take upon myself...

...

Got it. Oooooh, I'm scared! It's gonna be hard! But not as hard as a million other things I'm struggling with, and it'll make a biiiig difference in my life if I can do it. I'll try just for these ten days of repentance. If that works, I'll try through sukos. If that works, I'll try forever. What a word, forever -so awesome, so big, so good. But remember -this is all b'li neder. I don't want a broken vow on my record along with everything else:)

So wish me luck. (the Divine, siyata dishmaya kind) And I'll wish you the same. Along with a shana tova u'mesuka. And a chasima tova. And if you are at all inspired by my terror and my rambling insanity, then, please, for my sake, could you mention it to Hashem? I'd really, really appreciate it.