Repenting My Lack of Repentance

Do you know what I need? Besides a tissue and a big bowl of chicken soup?

I need a siddur. I know, I know what you're thinking. "Okee, it's not time for mincha yet, so why do you need a siddur? Do you want to say tehillim for something? Don't you carry a mini-tehillim with you wherever you go?"

To your first question, I reply, "I don't need a siddur for mincha -I do have a mincha maariv in my wallet, not that I usually use it..." To you second, I say, "Tehillim -that's 'extra'. Whenever I get the urge to say tehillim, it's usually satisfied by a muttering of one of the Shir Hamaaloses under my breath." And to the third, I snort. And say "Ha! I wish I were so holy. (I really do.)

Now you're probably thinking, "Okay, Okee, we get it. You horrible girl you. Now stop with the self-effacing sarcasm and get on with it. Why do you need a siddur?"

I need a siddur, dearie, because although I did daven this morning (yay! 3 points for Okee), I didn't leave myself enough time to say avinu malkeinu and get coffee. So...I got coffee. So...I need a siddur.

Oish Bagoish, it's the aseres yemay teshuva!! I neeeeed to say avinu malkeinu!! I neeeeed a siddur!!!

Funny how I didn't feel the same need to daven the whole shacharis this morning.
Funny how I didn't feel the need to have kavana during shacharis this morning.
Funny how it's two days after Rosh Hashanah and I didn't do any teshuva yet.
Funny how I spent the fast day fasting, but not fasting with any meaning.
Funny how I am more afraid this new year than any before, and yet I am less prepared for this new year than any before.
Funny, oh so funny.

Oh, not so funny...

Getagripgetagripgetagripgetagripgetagripgetagrip. Get a coffee.


...

Okay, I feel better now. The fear is still there, but there's no point in panicking -fear of the awesomeness of judgement without action towards the rectification of that fear of being found wanting is beyond pointless. It is pathetic. So...action.

Action. Action. Ya think if I say it enough times it'll sink into my leaden head and I'll behave in kind?
Maybe not. Maybe I should, right here, right now, decide to take something upon myself. When was the last time I did that, and did that? Sad...I don't remember. The time is now, they say, and I say it too. Let me think of something tangible and purposeful and beautiful and helpful to take upon myself...

...

Got it. Oooooh, I'm scared! It's gonna be hard! But not as hard as a million other things I'm struggling with, and it'll make a biiiig difference in my life if I can do it. I'll try just for these ten days of repentance. If that works, I'll try through sukos. If that works, I'll try forever. What a word, forever -so awesome, so big, so good. But remember -this is all b'li neder. I don't want a broken vow on my record along with everything else:)

So wish me luck. (the Divine, siyata dishmaya kind) And I'll wish you the same. Along with a shana tova u'mesuka. And a chasima tova. And if you are at all inspired by my terror and my rambling insanity, then, please, for my sake, could you mention it to Hashem? I'd really, really appreciate it.

Pink Is Soooo My Color!!

I've always been told I look good in pink! And now my blog matches! Yay, what fun! (Say, all these exclamation points remind me of a past post form some months back...three points to anyone who can remember which one!!!)

I chose pink, not because "brunettes look good in pink", as I've been told by an impertinent salesgirl (Huh? Isn't Okee blonde? Or maybe not...), but because pink is a happy color.

And I like being happy, I really really do. And so even though stress has lately seemed to display an eager desire to consume my every waking moment, and a past relationship has ended rather suddenly and shockingly before my eyes, which I may or may not go into detail of in the near future, and too much is flying all around me before I can take a good, long look at it...I choose happiness. After all, if someone said to you that you can either take the red pill or the blue pill, one giving you happiness and the other despair, what color pill would you swallow (gratuitous movie reference, oops)?

Well, you say, or rather, you should say, 'which color gives you which emotion?', because you, like myself, are in law school (or maybe you aren't, and that's okay too), and so you know to examine issues from every logical and possible angle. To reexamine the situation thrice over, taking it apart and forgetting how to put it together again, and then, in a wondering kind of voice, asking, "Are we just reading too much into this?"

Anyway, if I was given the choice, I'd (duh!) choose happiness, because although despair may be much more glamorous, very "in" even, and can be accompanied by the most beautiful violins, happiness -although often overrated- can be used as a means to an end...despair can only lead to the end.

'Oh,' you say, 'so that's why she changed the template of her blog to a hot pink girly looking thing...Now I get it.'

You needn't be so sarcastic. I knew I'd get to the point eventually.

And the point is: All those new beginnings, although awkward and difficult, and at times I felt like a fish on land flapping about gasping for oxygenated water, were not as bad as I thought they'd be. I love school. Really! And It's fun being the "frummy" as my very sweet new-though-not-frum-and-not-necessarily-Jewish friends call me. More on all that another time. Cause I gotta get some sleep. Cause I have school tomorrow.

Crazy, huh? Me, in school!!:)

Anyway, good night, and from the bottom of my heart- take care!

New, new, new, new, and, yeah...New!

Hello,

Again.

So

Nice

To

Meet

You

Again.

Please,

Stay

And

Have

a

Cup

of

Tea

With

Me

Today.

New
Thing
Are
Happening
In
Every
Single
Way.

Sorry for that little conglomeration of quasi-poetry, my hyperness, love for tea, and brand-new awareness for all things new. As you must know -and, surely, by now, you do- today is September 1st. Dear me, how the summer has flown away upon its frail but beautiful wings of golden sunshine. It has rained more in the last week than it did for months, and, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, I started law school.

(--Cue to the sound of a woman shrieking in horror--)

Oh, don't offer me any sympathies, it hasn't been so bad yet, and I don't think it will be so bad at all. Cause, ummmmm, I kinda like it. The classes -though often sheerly incomprehensible- offer moments of intellectual stimulation, and that is a something that has been a rarity for me this past year. There are very nice students where I attend, despite the fact that many probably think of me as that crazy germaphobe who inexplicably mutters things to herself whenever she leaves the bathroom...But then again, it's rather more likely that no one notices my freaks and foibles.

Well, I guess four or five or fifty people noticed when I sat down in the wrong class and had to leave while the professor was talking once I realize where I was -or wasn't, to be more precise. But surely that happens to all first year law students. Surely!

I do wish that there were more Jewish people in my classes -or at least visibly Jewish, cause if I can't tell you're Jewish, how do I know you'll want to go the distance in order to get kosher food with me? I feel a bit lonely...in a sort of self-made religious fortress of solitude. Not because I don't say hi, and smile, and make small talk with basically anyone I'm sitting next to -and if I sat next to you, you know this is true- but small talk is not enough. I guess that's what friends outside of school is for. Right. Well, I truly thank Hashem I have those.

Ok, change of subject. This post has gone out of control. Initially, it was just supposed to be a three sentence note warning all of you to expect new changes in the blog. Namely, my new occupation -from teacher of religious studies to student of secular studies. From lackadaisical slacker to disciplined disciple (yeah right:) And....

(--Cue the drum-roll--)

The template will change!!!
To represent a new beginning, I'll change the background, color and stuff. Just keep in mind my limited computer skills mean I can't promise how soon it will happen. Also keep in mind that this is all during the month of Elul.

Ooooooh, signiiiiifiiiicaaaant!

(--Cue the intense and thoughtful nodding of the head--)

On that note, have a beautiful, wonderful, ever-better, new, shabbos!!:)
(And I hope you enjoy the new me -I think I will!)