Monday, March 06, 2006

You are Never as Far as I Feel You Are

This past shabbos, for the first shabbos in many a shabbos, I learned a little Torah. A friend and I went over the beginning of a Nesivos Shalom on Purim, in preparation of the imminent chag. We learned something very interesting, that I've been thinking of ever since.

True bitachon, trust in Hashem, is the knowledge that not only does everything happen for a reason, and not only does it all occur for a reason of goodness, but also that it all happens from Hashem, our Father, Who is so close to us, always so close to us. Hashem is constantly near to us, guiding us, aiding us, even when we sin. Even when we turn from Him, He is before us. Even when we fall, He catches us. And so a person with true bitachon never worries, never fears -baruch hagever asher yivtach baHashem, v'haya Hashem mivtacho.

This is not a dvar Torah. If you wish to understand the Nesivos Shalom, I think you must examine it for yourself. I am not in my teaching mode right now. It is past midnight, and I had a rather bad day. Much time was wasted, my nails are bitten down to the quick, I broke my diet-again-and I fear another layer of rock-hard shielding has settled over the softness of my heart. Why?

Lately I have been having revelations. About my family, about the nature of influence and change, about the status of my soul and about the possible future. A pall of darkness contests the usual sunlight of my existence, but I do not know why. I am sad, and that scares me. I feel so much pressure, but I know not what it is asking me to accomplish. So much love and life fills me that I feel as if I am suffocating. I know not why. In a week's time I will be going to Eretz Yisrael. Can the kindness of Hashem ever be clearer to see? There my neshama will remember the last two years of my life, the peace I have found, the person I know I wish to be. The earth of Israel under my shoes will shake my mind into living again. Living in America. Living, improving. I hope.

So my point: Panic is so quick to grasp our hearts and terrorize our peace -but if we realize that Hashem is so, so, so close to can we fear anything?

One caveat: Yes, it is true that Hashem is so, truly so close, we need only turn to Him, to our Father in Shamayim...but if we feel distant from Him, and we feel as if, no, He is really so far from us -then He will be distant, and it will be difficult. So no matter how far away from G-dliness you or I feel, just realize this. Hashem loves you. He loves me. And takes care of me. And sustains me. Even at this very moment, as I sit here before my computer, and I know that my soul is seeped in many sins, some of which leave deep cesspools of stains, He is commanding my heart to beat. He is willing me alive.

And one emotion now rises above the others, casting aside the shadows and the palls of despair and panic: joy and thanks.

Thank You, Hashem. For being so close.


Semgirl said...

What was so bad about your day . I have found that when you feel things are their bleakest , suddenly it turns around when you least expect, and you have really wonderful days..

I really hope you do.

Okee said...

Thanks, sem

Usually the light is just around the corner, but...its sometimes hard to see when my eyes are closed.

It's not that I was having a bad day, but all the negativity that had been building up over the last few weeks, months even, just overflowed my capacity. I'm hard on myself. I am. And I sometimes feel like I'm drowning -but the post ends on a high note, so I'm always saved.:)

Jewboy said...

Great post. Gave me chizuk.